2 months

Today Hayden is 2 months old!! I feel like each day I wake up and she is doing something new! So far she loves her swing, boppy, and bumbo chair. She isn't quite feeling the activity mat just yet. I think it is because she is all about sitting up, and doesn't really like laying down. If she is laying down she is always trying to pull herself up. She is still in newborn onesies, and is now in 0-3 month sleepers. She is thankfully still sleeping through the night, but she also stays up too much during the day...she becomes overtired (I think she thinks she's going to miss something if she goes to sleep). She gets to the point where she'll fight sleep, and cry, but I can usually get her to sleep in about 5 minutes, 10 minutes at most. Pictures!!!!

life doesn't always play fair

I realized a while ago that life doesn't always play fair. I realized this when my papa was diagnosed with alzheimers. The disease isn't fair. It isn't fair to them, and it isn't fair to their loved ones. Just a little over a year ago it went from moderate to terrible. He doesn't know who anyone is, let alone who he is. My pop is my hero. He was there when my father never was. He did everything for me, and I know he loved me more then anything else. When you see those movies, pictures, tv shows, etc. that show the little girl following their dad around in admiration...well that was my papa and I. I didn't have a dad, so he was my dad. Now he doesn't even know who I am. I've learned to somehow accept that, even though it is like you grieve their "death" every time you see them. Now it is just hard to accept the fact that he'll never know my daughter. He'll never see her grow up, and she'll never get a chance to know the greatest man ever. It just isn't fair. I always pictured him one day walking me down the aisle "giving me away", and him having a great relationship with my kids. It is hard to know that none of that will ever happen. No one really knows what I go through, mostly because I try to pretend like it doesn't affect me like it does. One thing people say that really gets to me is - "well, at least you still have him", well I really don't. I don't have my pop. When I am around him I barely talk to him, because I can hardly stand it. I can't stand to see him talking in these ridiculous circles talking so crazy, and then asking who I am every 2 minutes, asking if Hayden is my baby, and if she is a boy or girl, and if she is a real baby. It is tough.

I'll just never get why this kind of thing happens. How do you deal with something like this? I wish I knew.

move over e*trade baby

found!

I found my happy, content baby! THANK YOU READY TO FEED FORMULA! Similac sensative ready to feed has worked miracles! All powder formula can now go jump off a bridge and never show their ugly face in my house EVER again! :D

where is my happy content baby?!

I have seem to have lost her, and am about to put a missing ad out on the milk carton! I hope it is just a phase! At least she is still sleeping through the night though. Last night she slept from 11pm to 7:30am. She use to be content in her swing for hours throughout the day, but not so much anymore. Today she was in there for about an hour or so and she was just fine as I was cleaning. Then she was fussy but it was time for her to eat. After that though she only sat in her swing and lounger for 20-30 minutes at a time before the fussing started. Tonight (right now), she has been sleeping on and off in her lounger for the past hour with no fussing though! It is hard to always be constantly holding her...thankfully I don't have any other kids to chase around but I do have my dogs, and sanity. This has been going on for a little over a week now. It seems after I switched her to enfamil gentlease the fussiness got so much worse. I don't know if it is just a coincidence or if the formula actually has caused it. A lot of the time it was a full out scream like something was really hurting her, not just a fuss. So, yesterday I decided to switch her to a hypoallergenic formula - similac alimentum, because the screams really bothered me. I also got her the ready to feed stuff because I feel like they (similac) are likely more accurate when it comes to the mixing ratio then I am, there are no bubbles, and it just looks and smells so much better then the powder stuff. If I think about it, I would never drink powder milk because it tastes like shit. Anyway, we started on it yesterday and she loves it, and now she is just fussing, no more screams and tears of what I believe were screams of stomach pain of some kind. The DR said she may have a milk allergy but she has not been tested for it. I noticed tonight the rash on her face and chest have almost completely disappeared too. I just hope she doesn't become constipated again because her poop was finally just getting back to normal on the gentlease...just thick, but nothing close to how bad it was on the gerber goodstart gentle.

Never in my life did I think I would be so obsessed over baby shit! I exam it, google it, worry about it, post about it...living life on the edge these days! Anyway, I only bought 3 bottles of the alimentum, so we'll see how this goes. I am praying to the formula gods that we can find one that works for her!!! Even if it is the one that is $9.17 for a 32oz container of formula *face palm*. She is already a little shit! :) However, if it does work we will definitely be ordering in bulk on Amazon Mom! Well I'll use the $5.00 checks when I get them (yeah, I'll be THAT lady in the line with 2 or 3 separate transactions so I can get $5.00 off each bottle...that damn money tree in my back yard has yet to start budding!

I just feel like formula is kicking my ass! Yes, I should have continued to breast feed...got it. As a single mom it was very hard to manage my schedule, and when I go back to work it is VERY unrealistic for me to think that I could pump at work. I'm pretty sure I could not tell everyone sitting at my bar to hold tight for about 40 minutes while I go milk myself.

I also tried colic calm, which came highly recommended by other mommies who have dealt with fussy babies. I was NOT impressed. She loves the stuff, but I didn't see any difference after giving it to her, and I've tried it several times now. I also hate the fact that it is black, so you have to be very careful when giving it to them, because I've heard it stains. I've been fortunate enough to not get it on anything just yet, and I'm not sure if I will because I honestly do not think it has made any kind of difference. And I'm suppose to go back to work next week and leave her with my mom?? Yeah, I think me going back to work is going to be delayed a couple more weeks until I get this under control.

dating after baby

Dating after baby is definitely A LOT different. Well, it isn't like I have a whole lot of experience doing so, but there is so much more to think about. I have to be a lot more careful about who I choose to surround myself with because of Hayden. In a way I have to think about her more then I do myself. She of course is the first person I think about because if they are not comfortable with being around her, or if I don't see myself comfortable with them being around her then, well, there really is no point on wasting my time with that person. I've only gone out a couple of times with a guy, who I've known and have been friends with for almost 2 years. He is well aware of the whole situation with Hayden, and absolutely adores her. I obviously made a poor decision in the past...not that I would go back and do any of it differently because I got the best thing that has ever happened to me out of it, however, for Hayden's sake I do wish it worked out differently with her "sperm donor". I can't bring myself to say her father, because he isn't, and never will be. There isn't much I can do it about it now, except be smarter in my decisions, and with the people I allow into my life. The one guy who I've been talking to understands where I am coming from when I tell him that it is going to take some time for me to be 100% emotionally available again. It'll happen, it's just going to take a little extra work on my part, and on his as well. And if they're willing to go that extra mile, it just goes to show that they truly do care, and they are a good person. I do notice a difference within myself then how I was in the past, I can tell I have a wall up, and it is not going to be easy to let someone completely in again, but I am confident I'll be able to, with the right person. It isn't necessarily a bad thing, because I feel like I needed that change. However, I have a good feeling with how things are going so far. It really helps that I've known him for a couple of years, and he isn't just some guy I just met. I love when we are spending time together and he'll sit there and hold Hayden, or if she starts fussing he'll get up and go see what is wrong...she obviously doesn't freak him out, and he is completely comfortable around her, which is super important.

It is really nice to feel "normal" again, and not feel like damaged goods, lol. Being pregnant and single the entire time was kind of rough, but I survived, and I know things will work out for me...because I deserve it!